In honour of world mental health day I want to talk about the greyzone of depression
When people ask me what depression feels like I never know what to say. It varies. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning and I can’t escape, others there’s just a unshakeable sense that everything is pointless.
For me it varies everyday. Even though I’m doing better than I have in 7 years physically and mentally, I am still depressed. I hate it. It makes me feel so ungrateful because I’m so lucky to finally be getting my life back but my depression still lingers. I can be having a nice day out doing something I’ve planned for weeks and it’s still there. This hopeless sense of just wanting to escape back to bed forever.
Depression can happen due to circumstances in your life, but it can also happen due to a chemical imbalance of serotonin. I thought mine was the circumstantial type, since it started during my parents divorce, then bullying at school, then I got sicker again. So I just thought yeah life sucks of course I’m down. But since things have been getting better it hasn’t left me. It’s still lingering. So I assume that means it’s something I’ll always struggle with? Knowing that sucks. Knowing I can be having the time of my life and still be reminded that everything is ultimately pointless is shit.
I’m in the weird grey zone with depression. I don’t spend my life in bed asleep not eating and I don’t want to die. I just feel like everything’s a bit pointless and I don’t care. I have a weighted sensation in my body. I’ve lost interest in some of the things I used to be interested in. My eating has been weird. My body image is bad. But I don’t want to die. So I tell myself all of that doesn’t count, that I just need to try harder and I only need help if I want to die. It’s ridiculous because I know that’s not true but I’m just trying to make myself feel better about it.
So many people in this greyzone don’t receive help when they try for it because it’s not the classic image of a depressed person. But depression isn’t a persona. It’s not something you wear. It’s a feeling. It’s a mood disorder. But people like me aren’t taken seriously. They’re told they’re lazy and just need to do better. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed but life’s more complicated than that.
To anyone who feels the way I do, whose in the greyzone I want to say something’s. You are worthy of receiving help. You are not lazy. You fighting through each days shows how hard you are trying. You aren’t ungrateful. You can’t help feeling this way.
Some resources I’d like to recommend are:
The Samaritans help line
The Black Dog Institute
And Mental Health on TheMighty.com