The majority of my days are spent gone. Gone from this world. Gone from myself. I’d like to say I’m just on autopilot but for the most part I’m gone. It’s a strange feeling to enter into dissociation. It’s like you’ve time traveled to an era you’ve already lived through once, but you do not understand it now. I sit and look around, I know it is familiar, but it doesn’t feel real. It has a tendency to feel like you’re watching a movie in a different language with no subtitles. It is incomprehensible.
Dissociation is a detachment from oneself (called depersonalisation) or a detachment from reality (derealisation) is a coping skill the brain develops to deal with stress, usually if you’ve experienced past trauma. Although everyone can dissociate for example when you get in the car and then just reach your destination and are like wait what? Personally I’ve experienced it since I was a child but I didn’t have the words for it then I just thought I was bad at concentrating or very sleepy, which was true but it would happen during times where neither of those were relevant. I would just zone out and stare. In the last few years it’s gotten a lot worse, there’s whole hours of my life where I’m gone. It’s really scary and disturbing. It happens randomly because I have C-PTSD but especially after stressful times like arguments, big changes, panic attacks and flashbacks.
Coming to after dissociation is a very weird thing, I’m usually a bit confused and just randomly poke and touch my face to try to remind myself I’m real, and I try to observe my surroundings and come back to myself. But many times my mind and body just feel confused – like post anaesthesia. I’m still working on how to manage it in therapy. Once I figure that out, someday I’ll write about that too.