I’m so grateful for my ability to effortlessly share my opinions without prosecution. During my college interviews this week, I have been able to be honest about my mental health and my disability, because I know it does not serve me to bottle it up. By speaking up people know how to help me can receive help me. A few years of go I would’ve stubbornly sugar coated my life to look and feel more capable and ended up crashing. I don’t like to ask for help but I want and deserve a good life full of opportunities. I don’t know where I’ll end up but I hope it’s helping others and continuing to be creative. Creativity is magic. I love how wide my brain expands when I begin to think about what’s inside of me. I am filled with so much darkness and light at once. It can be conflicting sometimes but it’s a common human state. The only difference is, I speak about it. Sometimes I’m not ready to talk, or I can’t find the words like my eating disorder but there is no rush. I want to express myself in an all encompassing way, scary parts and all. I don’t do it because I want sympathy but because I want unity. There have been so many times I’ve brought up mental health to a seemingly average person, who will then share their story with me. We can learn so much from the stories of others. It’s the reason I love podcasts so much. It’s a lolatform of stories, fictional and non fictional. Even the news is stories. Storytelling has been around forever. Hieroglyphs are evidence of this.
The thing I am most grateful for although it can get me in trouble sometimes is my voice. Not just verbally, but I’m able to share my ideas through the ways I am able to communicate.
I’ve always been the type of person who over shares. I was always talking during class and basically whenever I was awake. One of the worst parts of being bedbound was how exhausted talking would make because I lovvvvve talking. It’s a struggle sometimes because I don’t think before I speak and it’s gotten me into trouble on occasion. I don’t mean to hurt anyone I’m just pretty bad at talking and thinking at once. I’ve been trying to learn to listen more because if I’m so interested in stories I should listen, and then tell my own. I have a habit of offering advice when someone’s just trying to vent, and I’ve come to realise it can take that journey of self awareness, emotional intelligence and acceptance away from them. I don’t want to do that because advice is great, but those are the steps that matter for you to put that into action.
When I was 12 and started therapy I did not talk. I wasn’t ready. People would try and advise me and analyse me but I only ever made progress when it was my time. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen, someone to validate your feelings and to be there. There are times I ask for advice. I have certain friends I go to specifically because I know advice giving is their form of showing me they care and they hold so much wisdom as individuals. But I also have friends I go to for tough love. And others who I know will just listen. Part of my journey is knowing what does and doesn’t serve me. It’s knowing what I need.
The only way I’ve figured that out was through almost 8 years of therapy. I have spent an hour a week focused on me. Analysing me. It. Can be intimidating and I shock myself with the things I express sometimes. But we grow through what we go through, and that includes therapy. I show up every session because I know it will challenge my perception and move me forward on my journey to heal and grow beyond my scars.
Show up for yourself. Ask yourself questions. What triggers you, what hurts you? Why do you feel this way? Don’t ask why me in a self-loathing way but because you are genuinely interested in understanding your self. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves can break us. But they will also have the power to grow you into someone more powerful. Use your ability to communicate with others because it’s the most valuable gift you were given. A